How to Ask for a Letter of Recommendation (And Actually Get a Great One)
A practical guide to approaching recommenders with confidence and giving them everything they need to write something truly memorable.
Letters of recommendation carry real weight in college and scholarship applications. Many students approach their teachers, coaches, and other impactful adults and ask if they would be willing to write one. Of course these adults would love to — they care deeply about the students they work with and want to support their futures. The secret to getting a great letter is setting your author up for success.
When students would ask me to write them a letter I was always willing, but would get the biggest case of writer’s block when it came time to sit down and type something up. The students who did one specific thing helped me move past that writer’s block faster and write more meaningful, detailed letters than I otherwise would have. More on that in a moment.
Parent Note: Your role here is to guide and encourage, not to take over. Let your student take the lead and figure out where your help is most needed, knowing that may shift over time. You should not be the one to ask for a letter of recommendation, no matter the situation.
Who Should You Ask?
Who should write your letters of recommendation is largely determined by the organization requesting the letter and the purpose it serves. For academic purposes, ask a teacher who knows you well, even if their class was not your highest grade. To demonstrate leadership or community involvement, consider reaching out to a coach, employer, volunteer coordinator, or community leader you have a personal connection with. These are the people who can speak to who you are beyond assignments and grades.
Parent Note: You have known your student longer than anyone else in their life. Help them brainstorm people who would be a good fit based on what the letter should demonstrate. In the end, your student will be the one doing the asking and should have the final say in who they choose.
When Should You Ask?
The earlier the better. As much as everyone would love to drop everything and write your letter right away, they also have jobs and full lives of their own. A good rule of thumb is four to six weeks before the deadline. If you are asking a teacher, be mindful of large projects or exam periods that demand their attention. Coaches and others may have tournaments or major events to work around. Give extra time for those circumstances. Do not ask your coach on the way to a three-day out-of-town tournament for a letter due the following week.
How to Ask the Right Way
When possible, ask in person during a one-on-one conversation, then follow up with an email thanking them for taking the time to do this favor for you. Whenever you ask, make sure to give them an easy and comfortable out. I was fortunate that I was never asked to write a letter by someone I would not be willing to support, but I can honestly say there were a few students I was relieved never came to ask me — because I will always be honest in my letters and they probably did not want my particular brand of honesty on their applications.
The person you ask should be someone you know and have a genuine positive relationship with, so it should not feel nerve-wracking. Many students still find it challenging to ask, especially in person. Here is a simple script you could use:
““Hey _______, I was wondering if you had a moment to talk. I am working on an application for _______ and they have requested letters of recommendation. The letters should focus on (academics/leadership qualities/character/resilience/insights beyond grades/etc.) and I thought you would be a great person to speak to that. I completely understand if you’re too busy, but I wanted to ask you before reaching out to anyone else. If you’re willing, I will follow up by email with everything you need. The letter will need to be (given to me/submitted online/mailed in/etc.) by _______.””
Parent Note: If your student is nervous about asking in person, role play with them to help them practice what to say!
The Game Changer: What to Give Your Recommender
The students who gave me something to reference along with their letter of recommendation request gave me a running start on drafting their letter and helped me get past the writer's block that would hit every time I finally sat down to write. The guidance counselors at one school where I taught encouraged students to provide a simple form with their requests, and it was genuinely one of the most helpful things I encountered as a teacher. We have created a Letter of Recommendation Request Sheet [insert link] which you can access for free and share with anyone you are asking for a letter. Here is what to include:
Your name as it appears on the application
What the letter is for, including the name of the institution or organization
How to submit the letter, or a link to the submission instructions
Your GPA and class rank
Activities, clubs, sports, and leadership roles
Accomplishments you are proud of
Why you are applying for this specific opportunity
Anything specific you would like this particular person to highlight about you
Parent Note: You have known your student the longest, and what stands out to you about them might be different from what they would think to include themselves. Help brainstorm items for their Letter of Recommendation Request Sheet [insert link]. Remember, it is their request and they should have the final say on what is included and what is left off.
Following Up
Please follow up with your letter writer. If you can see when the letter has been submitted, thank them as soon as it is complete — that is the bare minimum. If your author is anything like me, a gentle reminder one to two weeks before the deadline may also be genuinely helpful. Life gets busy and verbal commitments can slip through the cracks. A simple email saying something like "I wanted to make sure you did not have any questions as the deadline is approaching" or "I was not sure if you had been able to submit yet and wanted to check in" goes a long way.
No matter the outcome, a follow-up later letting them know what happened is also a wonderful gesture. A quick note saying you did not receive the offer, chose a different school, landed your dream program, or are thrilled with your scholarship is something the adults in your life will genuinely appreciate hearing. They are rooting for you long after the letter is submitted.
Parent Note: This is probably where students could use the most support. With the variety of applications happening alongside school, extracurriculars, and life in general, gentle reminders about deadlines and checking in on outstanding requests may be necessary. As much as they need to practice independence, having someone in their corner makes a real difference.
Final Thoughts on Requesting a Letter of Recommendation
Start early, ask thoughtfully, and give your recommender every tool they need to write something meaningful about you. Use a sheet provided by your school, create your own, or download our free Letter of Recommendation Request Sheet to give them a solid starting point. Track your deadlines, follow up when appropriate, and thank your authors both when the letter is submitted and again when you know the outcome.
Experienced Educators offer expert SAT preparation in Reading, Writing, and Math. Whether your student is just starting to think about the SAT or gearing up for a retake, we'd love to help. Contact us to learn more and subscribe for our monthly checkpoints and reminders and access our Free Letter of Recommendation Request Sheet.
